I Just Don't Know

I just don't know.

I've thought about blogging a lot lately, but then decided against it. Here I am. I have to admit that I've enjoyed reading a few blogs over the past few weeks, and people say it's a great way to stay in touch. Tonight I decided to do it because I just need to write. And I suppose I'd appreciate a little input as well...

I'm super excited to be going this summer, but there's a lot that has to be done first and nothing has gone smoothely....like my parents thinking that the $1800 on their credit card was fraud because it was for a middle eastern culture. They refused to pay it, and I got a phone call yesterday saying that they needed a check to be overnighted if I wanted the ticket. Then, there was the visa hassel. When I finished filling everything out online last night (and it took a while), I needed to print it. But NO, the computer decided to stop working. Yes, I over-reacted and panicked a little bit as I didn' t know if I had actually completed all that had to be done or not. Long story short, thank God that all is fine, and $100 later I will have my visa in the mail shortly. I may have over-reacted, but I just feel like there is already so much opposition. I need to pray about this trip more. Satan is at work. Why am I just sitting back and waiting?

My grandmother was asking me about my trip on Sunday. "They're never going to have a life like us, so what are you telling them? Isn't it hard to let them see your lifestyle if they'll never get out of where they are?" she asked me. I was kind of hurt. I didn't have much of a response, but I ask, "Who's to say that America is the ultimate goal and end to success?" I think my purpose is to go and love these children. What does that look like though? This seems to be another phrase that I use a lot (at least to myself). What does this stuff look like, practically speaking, in my daily life? How do I love? How do I serve?

On another note...more selfish I suppose....I got an email from Fraser, the guy who owns the house on Walnut Street where I've been planning on living the next two years. On April 12 he promised me that the four of us girls could live in the house beginning in August. Tonight I got an email of apology stating that he is not going to allow that to happen. WHAT?!?!! At this point, I'm homeless. He tried to help out with some phone numbers of houses available near by. I suppose I'll try them in the morning, but seriously....I talked to him last June about making this happen and he decides now that it's not going to work? Yes, there have been tears.

I just feel so....lonely....frustrated.....

I always get this way when I'm at home, but I don't have a reason to. This semester I was continually reminded that it's not a matter of understanding, but it's a matter of obeying. Again, I just don't know...and what does that look like in this situation?